Julia Allison

A word about my "Romantic Life": Um ... I'm not single anymore

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:48:39 -0500

I wrote the below entry back on December 2, 2009. I did not, obviously, publish it. Why? For a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was - as I explain in the penultimate ‘graf - I was at a “very weird stage” with several young men.

And as you might have suspected, I am no longer at that weird stage. I do, in fact, officially have a boyfriend. (whoa!!) That news is both joyful and bittersweet, because I grew to care for two of the young men very much. They were - are - both good people, intelligent and thoughtful and kind. But one (Hipster Lawyer) lived far away, and the other (Prom King), just a few city blocks. In the end, that made all the difference.

Of course, a one sentence summation belies the true complexity of the last few months. Decisions about love under extenuating circumstances are heartbreaking. But the details are not something I am ready to share, and not something I will likely ever share. Suffice it to say that there is great adoration and respect between Hipster Lawyer and me, and we will always have a special place in each other’s hearts.

Life has taught me time and time again that one cannot always know why things happen - only that they happen for a reason.

December 2, 2009

God, I actually have a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach just writing this post. Weird.

I wrote this about three times in my head, while lying in bed attempting to fall asleep last night, but of course I can’t remember exactly how I put it. All I know is that it wasn’t like this. ;)

Anyway … so.

Longtime readers know that I haven’t written much* about my dating life in a long time. That, we’ve found - and by “we” I mean every single even-tangentially-public individual in the history of the planet - is fraught. This conclusion is old and tired and pretty well agreed upon, although as fresh-faced young things enter into the public space they will invariably decide “I’m the exception to the DON’T EVER EVER EVER MENTION YOUR RELATIONSHIP RULE” and then find, much to their broken-hearted chagrin, that they are not in fact the exception to anything, except perhaps being subject to fatness & gravity after birth and whatnot.

Uh … right. Of course, by “haven’t written much” I mean no proper names (not since Charles, who loved being showcased), a few mentions of actually going on dates or seeing someone, maybe a tweet about a first or second date, but relatively little detail. I thought obscuring their identities, like Code Name TK, and posting about things that absolutely no one could construe as “oversharing” (playing Frisbee? hiking in Runyon Canyon? Eating s’mores?), I could be open about dating or a relationship without dooming it.

I was, again, naive.

There was a REASON I gave CodeNameTK a code name (and I will give all guys code names until the day I’m married) and it was to protect him. Very few men can handle the heat of hate websites, and that was certainly the case with TK. I underestimated their dedication, as well as their ability to figure out who he was from what I thought were very, very basic bits of biographical information (his age, his city, his profession).*

Of course, there are always guys like Prom King, who thinks it’s adorable to post to the site. But for every Prom King, there are five guys like … well, I’ll have to haul out the old [redacted], who can’t handle even a code name and a few airbrushed details.

Most guys I date are in the middle, like Hipster Lawyer.

* Shakes head, realizes I’ve gotten totally off track. *

Ugh. This is not the point of the post, damnit!

The point of the post is to say this: I’m at a very weird stage with a few guys right now - Prom King, Hipster Lawyer & Wild Card (definitely not the nickname my girl friends & I call him, but that one isn’t suitable for public consumption). I’m under five dates with each of them, which is V. Early Stage. But at least one reads this site and another definitely checks my Twitter … well, you can imagine how odd this whole thing is.

It’s enough to make me not want to discuss my dating life, AT ALL.

And I didn’t … until now. Famous last words, right?

In any case, I won’t be “discussing” my relationship with Prom King, per se, but you will hear about him from time to time, because, well … he’s a large part of my life now.

And that, my friends, is all I have to say about that.

My Year in Cities 2009

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:27:00 -0500

32 trips to 18 cities …

Jan 7 - Jan 12: Vegas for CES
Jan 19 - Jan 21: Washington, DC for the Inauguration
Jan 23 - Jan 27: Munich, Germany for the DLD conference
Jan 28 - Feb 1: Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum
Feb 24 - Feb 28: SF for Leg #1 of my BiCoastal Birthday Bash with Randi
Mar 12 - Mar 17: Austin, TX for SXSW
Mar 31 - Apr 6: Denmark for the NEXT 6.0 conference
Apr 6 - Apr 7: London for a consulting gig
Apr 13 - Apr 16: Chicago for the Northwestern Kellogg Tech conference
Apr 16- Apr 21: SF for Social Web Foo Camp
Apr 24 - Apr 28: Boston to speak at MIT
May 9 - May 10: Washington, DC for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
May 20 - May 22: Orlando, Florida for Sea World’s “Manta Media Day”
May 24 - May 27: Phoenix, Arizona for some time away with a guy friend
May 27 - June 1: Washington, DC for my 5 year college reunion!
June 26 - June 28: New Haven, CT for my cousin’s wedding
July 3 - July 12: Chicago for the Fourth of July
July 28 - Aug 5: LA for the Geeks on the Beach conference & meetings
Aug 15 - Aug 16: South Hampton with Megan, Meghan and Krystal
Sept 2 - Sept 8: Chicago to see my family
Oct 2 - Oct 7: LA to see Code Name TK & meetings
Oct 9: Philadelphia for the Wharton Women in Business Conference
Oct 17 - Oct 21: SF to see Randi & to attend Dave Morin’s bday
Oct 21 - Oct 24: Chicago to see Hipster Lawyer
Oct 30 - Nov 4: LA to shoot a test pilot for E!
Nov 6 - Nov 9: Boston to speak at the Harvard Intercollegiate Business Conference
Nov 21 - Nov 23: LA to shoot a commercial with Meghan
Nov 23 - Nov 25: SF to see Randi with Meghan
Nov 25 - Dec 2: Chicago for Thanksgiving
Dec 2 - Dec 8: Hawaii with Hipster Lawyer
Dec 14: Miami for skydiving with Prom King
Dec 21 - Jan 6: Chicago for Christmas & New Years

Well, one of my New Years Resolutions for 2009 was “spend some serious time outside of New York City this year.”

I might have overcompensated a bit.

Frankly, I’d like to spend more time in one place in 2010.

Me: Let's order from Dojo's.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:36:53 -0400

Me: Let's order from Dojo's.
Megan: They're cash only.
Me: No way. Really?
Megan: Yeah. But I have like $40.
Me: [joking] Whoa. FORTY BUCKS?! I'm gonna order *TWO* dinners.
Megan: I might have $50.
Me: Seriously?! Don't front!
Megan: You gonna go look that up? Code Name TK totally outed you for not knowing what it meant.
Me: Whatever. Like HE even knew what it meant.
Megan: Um, he totally did.
Me: That's because he reads Urban Dictionary for fun on Saturday night with all his little hipster friends while they drink PBR and compare the respective ages of their decrepit Converse.
Megan: Oh, SNAP. You totally served those hipsters!
Me: I totally did. They better check themselves ...
Megan: ... before they wreck themselves?
Me: Before they ironically wreck themselves.

I fell off the wagon of my “30-Day Challenge.” ...

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:30:00 -0400

I fell off the wagon of my “30-Day Challenge.” Wayyyyy off. (well, not “wayyy off.” But off. Off enough that I had pancakes twice while I was home. And sweet rolls. Also twice. And Rachel made me a milkshake involving frozen yogurt, banana and peanut butter. And I had mochi balls after my sushi dinner with Dan. And I haven’t seen the inside of my Equinox since Code Name TK came to visit. oy. so maybe “wayyyyy off” wasn’t inaccurate.)

So. It happens.

What’s left but to get back on?

After all, tomorrow is another day. (Thanks Scarlett, ye of the 17” waist!)

In the meantime, enjoy my unvarnished, unmakeup’d late night confession.

And … er, um, if you have any great tips for me on how to STAY on said wagon ‘o fitness, you know my email. Julia@NonSociety.com

Reader Email: "sex-related tears are indicative of a large and complicated set of emotions - elation, fear, frustration, exhaustion, love, sadness, disgust, arousal, perhaps all of the above"

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:39:00 -0400

From: [redacted]
Date: September 1, 2009 3:06:23 AM EDT
To: julia@nonsociety.com
Subject: ;) + :*( = ?

Hi Julia,

I think it’s great you’re revisiting this idea of crying during sex a few years after you first covered it, because in my (limited) experience, it’s a phenomenon that changes over time - as a woman ages, as our lives complicate and simplify, and as the relationship matures (or disintegrates).

A quick, illustrative set of examples:

The first time was with my high school sweetheart. It was right around graduation, and we’d snuck off to his empty house after our giddy inability to keep our hands off each other at some party. We’d exchanged the L-word, had recently introduced our families, and were preparing to leave for college in a few weeks and greet the world at large. It was a lot to process. And looking back at it, those are just a few of the myriad reasons why I cried that night, but at the time, I felt like I didn’t really understand it.

My second (and last) experience was years later, but in the same relationship. It was this perfect Autumn night during our senior year of college in his beautiful spartan city apartment with the candles and the wine and the efficient, satisfying, comfortable kind of sex that only comes after years of experimentation and practice with the same person. I remember feeling so grown up that fall. I remember thinking so often, “this is what my life is going to be like.” And so when the tears fell, quiet and stifled this time, I couldn’t explain them. In retrospect, I think I cried because it was the first time I knew the relationship was going to end. I can actually pinpoint to an exact moment that evening when I saw it all drawing to a close; when, instead of thinking, “this is what my life is going to be like,” I wondered whether I’d remember moments like this when it was all over. The relationship dragged on for several more months, but I never recovered that contented feeling.

Given the distinctly different circumstances, I find it interesting that the common element is the monumental change that was about to happen in my life. I think in both cases, I was emotionally unprepared for the events that were about to transpire, both within the relationship and externally. I’ve lost track of the guy in the five years since. But in that time, I’ve become a completely different person, and big changes no longer catch me off guard. I love the strong, competent, self-aware (young) adult I’ve become, but I can’t help but wonder what I might have accomplished if I’d taken the time to examine where those tears were coming from and what they meant for my life, instead of revisiting them so much later. So I agree with you that both partners should want to know why one is crying, but not necessarily because it’s “good” or “bad” or even “really really bad.” I see sex-related tears as indicative of a large and complicated set of emotions - elation, fear, frustration, exhaustion, love, sadness, disgust, arousal, perhaps all of the above - that deserve and maybe even require examination and understanding.

It’s easy to dismiss sex crying as weird, awkward, and uncomfortable - indeed, it may be all of these things - but I believe to do so is to deny something primal and instinctual that is begging to be acknowledged.

All that said: my unsolicited advice? Maybe hold off on the sniffles around TK for a while. Because the boys, they spook easily.

<3

Mini-Debate: Crying During Sex - Good, Bad, Weird ... Huh?

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:13:37 -0400

I’m not sure how it came up exactly (seriously!), but this weekend Code Name TK & I were discussing the enigmatic “girls crying during sex” phenom, which he found “weird.” I actually wrote an entire article about it for COED magazine back in ‘05, but haven’t brought it up much since (although I’ve definitely cried a few times in that interim!).

What do you think?? Email me - julia@nonsociety.com

COED MAGAZINE
APRIL 2005
BY JULIA ALLISON

Ask any man about women crying during sex and you’ll get a strange reaction.

First, there’s The Blank Stare – they have no idea what you’re talking about.

Then there’s the silence, which lasts … and lasts … enough time for you to rethink the three glasses of champagne you had before you brought up the damn topic.

Just as you’re planning an escape route, he gives you this look – like you’ve somehow seen into his bedroom, circa high school. He’s astounded. “Once,” he says. Or maybe “Yeah, twice, it was weird.”

The confusion is palpable. He still has no idea what happened.

I swear, I’ve had the exact same conversation with dozens of guys – all ages, all types. Sometimes I try to piece together the story.

Me: “What did you do after she started crying?”
Him: “Nothing. I just lay there.”
Me: “umm … okay. Did she say anything?”
Him: “Yep, she rolled over and said, ‘I love you.’”

Ah-ha!

Me: “And what did you do next?”
Him: “Nothing. Then she REALLY started crying.”

Sigh. Of course she did, dumbass. YOU DIDN’T SAY I LOVE YOU BACK.

I suppose it might have been worse if you had slapped her and yelled “why are you so ugly??” but either way, waterworks were in order.

So women cry when you don’t tell them you love them? Um … not exactly. Well, sort of. *sob* Okay, yes and no. Confused yet? Welcome to the female brain. Er, the emotional female brain.

How do I know? Actually, I myself happen to be, uh, well, a Crier, for lack of a better term. Do I cry all the time during sex? Hell no! That’s a little … weird. But it has happened on (very special) occasions. And I’m betting that it’s happened to you, as well – maybe once, maybe twice, maybe even a few times (I suppose it depends on how many emotional women you’ve bedded).

The truth is, women cry during sex for a host of different reasons, but it’s easy enough to narrow them down if you know what to look for … and believe me, you’ll want to know why she’s crying. It could be good, it could be bad, and yep, it could be really really bad.

Let’s clear up one thing. It is not, as my friend Ken believes, because “they see god.” No. No, no, no. They see your nostrils. Or the ceiling. Or maybe the headboard, depending on your position.

It’s probably nothing physical at all, although I’ve heard some horror stories about pain – he’s either too big, or he’s slamming you against said headboard (which is solid wood), or you just had a baby and your … well, we don’t need to get into it – but honestly, that’s the rarity. And usually that doesn’t result in actual crying, more of a scrunched up wincing / scratching. (If you can’t tell the difference, you have bigger problems than your penis size.)

So why are they crying? According to Lisa Jones of Men’s Health, “crying is a mysterious release, sort of like an orgasm … [it’s] usually about intimacy – as in, I’m feeling so very close to you that I’m able to completely let go and express this burst of pure joy. But, in rare instances, it could be about lack of intimacy, too.”

She’s absolutely right. Women, sex, love and some very strong conflicting emotions can certainly combine for a volatile explosion of tears – and if you’re lucky, an orgasm too! (bonus points if they’re at the same time)

Sex in and of itself is an emotional event, or it can be. You won’t find many women crying with one-night stands – they usually break down with men they care deeply about.

So you have sex, you have love, and then you have physical closeness, which can exacerbate and intensify anything you already feel in the relationship. A friend of mine described his first experience with bedroom tears: “It was one of the most endearing and giving emotions that could be expressed during a love making session by a woman. I believe a woman truly has to trust her partner in order to show such a sign of emotional openness and at the same time, vulnerability.”

He hits on a key point there – crying is often about vulnerability, either when you’re falling deeply in love, or you feel that your partner may be leaving you, or you’re just overwhelmed by the entire experience. When emotional intimacy matches physical intimacy, the result can be the most memorable and incredible love making you’ll ever experience.

Of course, the ladies will want to be careful they’re not described the way an ex of mine did when I asked him how he felt the first time I cried in bed. “Startled,” he said, “and wet. Sort of snotty also. You’re a gross crier and if you have makeup on and you really get upset – it’s like a wet dog covered in black vanilla ice cream mucus howling at something.”

Black vanilla ice cream?? Thanks a lot. Also, that makes no sense.

“But why did you think I was crying?” I asked him.

“Because you were crazy when we dated.”

Great.

“Seriously though,” he continued, “is this really the topic of an article? Have you considered getting a job that actually challenges you?”

Sigh. It’s a hopeless crusade, this one of instilling slow male brains, unaccustomed to water laden emotion, with knowledge about their more evolved counterparts.

I suppose if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: if she starts to tear up, don’t stop what you’re doing, because you could very well be sleeping with a girl like my friend Lauren, who sobs for joy every time she actually has an orgasm. Maybe they’re that rare for her.

Or, hey, who knows? Maybe she did see God …

Code Name TK’s breakfast at Norma’s!

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:44:42 -0400

Code Name TK’s breakfast at Norma’s!

Me: No, I'm trying to update my site. Because there are these people who get mad if I don't post photos ...

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:57:32 -0400

Me: No, I'm trying to update my site. Because there are these people who get mad if I don't post photos ...
Code Name TK: Who are these people? Are they real people?

More from the White House Correspondents' Dinner TK

Sun, 10 May 2009 21:24:29 -0400

But for now, I have to leave the free wireless in the Hilton lobby and either get on a train back to NY or go to Alexandria VA to sleep over at Kimberly’s place …

Goodnight!

First day of SXSW is super slow ...

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:09:19 -0400

People are trickling in, not much except hellos and “where’re you headed tonights” (it’s all about the parties here) being exchanged. More excitement TK tomorrow!

The WEF badge ruins formal wear, but they’re so OBSESSED...

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:23:00 -0500

The WEF badge ruins formal wear, but they’re so OBSESSED with security at Davos, most people wear their badges to shower, to sleep, and probably to have sex.

Actually, ew. I wonder if anyone had sex at Davos?? I’m leaning towards no. I definitely got a few dates, but absolutely NO further than a kiss on the cheek. (Well, except Meghan, who spooned with me nightly.) It would just seem inappropriate.

Not to mention, if you saw the rooms here, you’d become convinced the town advocates celibacy. Photographic evidence TK.

Welcome to Julia's SORTA AWESOME-ish but most importantly FREE Pundit School. The following posts are Pundit Wardrobe & Pundit Hair 101.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:43:00 -0500

Pundit Delivery & Pundit Makeup TK.

(non magaziners - TK is shorthand for “to come”)

maryrambin: I found Michelle working away for the launch of our...

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:13:30 -0400

maryrambin:

I found Michelle working away for the launch of our new tri-weekly show. When is the launch you ask??? VERY SOON :)

We’ve been working on the launch of this show for SIX MONTHS now, and we’re so thrilled to be working with Next New Networks. They’re really great people.

Show TK before the end of the month!