From: [redacted]
Date: January 6, 2009 12:02:53 AM EST
To: JULIA@nonsociety.com
Subject: Text No-Nos

Hi Julia,

I just read your post about texting dont’s and I have some input for you.

1.  I can’t remember the worst text I’ve ever received, but I recently had a falling out with a boy with whom I’d had an on again off again fling with for two years when I saw him leaving the bar we were at with a forty-year old.  I immediately drunk texted him the following:  “I hope you get the herp and dife.  The emd.” This led to the coining of the term “dife,” which is now used when you don’t quite want someone to die, but you really wouldn’t feel bad if the contracted syphilis and the flu simultaneously. 

2.  I don’t have a set time limit, but I won’t respond to him faster than he responds to me, and I NEVER double text.

3.  I cannot handle men who say u, r, b, 2, 4, etc. because guess what?  It is not that hard to type the whole word!  Especially because most phones have the smart keyboards that fill the words in for you. 

Also, this doesn’t relate to texting, but I thought you would appreciate the anecdote.  I bumped into my mildly gay ex-boyfriend on St. Patrick’s Day ‘07 (my senior year).  He called me a whore for wearing green eye glitter and I told him that everyone thinks he’s gay and he should have glitter everywhere. Ten minutes later we were back in his room tearing each other’s clothes off.

Midway through, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “how does it feel to be fucking the future leader of the free world?”  I just stared blankly at him while he went on talking about how he was the most powerful man at Colby College (our school).  When we were finished, he mumbled something about needing sleep because he had to go on a mission for the CIA in the morning.  HI-larious.  I personally think his brand new Tiffany dogtags (told you he was kind of gay) went to his head.

I don’t know what’s better - “dife” or her telling him that he should “have glitter everywhere.”