![A year ago, I was sitting at this exact same seat (at the counter in my parents’ kitchen) playing Apologize over and over (uh, and not randomly. Listen to the lyrics). Despite insistences that I was “fine, no really I’m fine. I’M GREAT!”, the truth is, I wasn’t fine. I was far, far, far from fine.
What a difference a year - and two amazing women - makes. I thought about this when I received the following email from a distraught reader:
From: [redacted]Date: December 17, 2008 7:38:17 AM ESTTo: Julia AllisonSubject: on a bus from phillyI’m on a bus from Philly with about 30 minutes left on my stinky laptop and I do not have the slightest idea what to think or how to feel. I think this is what people call shock. It’s never happened to me so I do not recognize the symptoms. Oh, I’m the girl who emailed you about her and her boyfriend who lives in Philly and making it work with the economy and all. I do not know why I am telling you this but I just found out that he has been cheating on me since August. I am completely numb. Perhaps I am sharing to let you know, which I am sure you know already, that men suck. I put everything into this relationship and now after 4 years of being together, I am alone. I thought we would end up together in some modern loft in the city while he went to med school and I in online media. I do not know if this is the worst part but she is ugly as sin. I am much prettier than her. He said it was because he was able to talk to her about sports and med school madness. But it has to be more than that. I just don’t get it. I feel like someone has taken out my heart and twisted it into knots. Like someone took my future and ripped it out from underneath me. Anytime I feel blue I read your blog. It makes me hopeful and gives me some serious LOL’s at the office. I know it sounds weird but I feel like you are the only blogger that’s human. Everyone writes in hopes of creating this online persona that fits their expectations. But your blog is real. There are sad, goofy, challenging and hilarious times on your blog and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate it.
Here’s what I wrote back to her:
From: Julia AllisonDate: December 20, 2008 10:35:28 PM ESTTo: [redacted]Subject: Re: on a bus from phillyOh, C, sweetheart … I read this email on Thursday, before I met Meghan out for her birthday, and when I got there, I told her about it. I don’t know if you know, but Meghan went through The Worst Breakup Ever last year - she walked in on the guy she was madly in love with fucking another woman. He’d been cheating on her for months, but she didn’t want to see the signs. I’ve seen this happen so many times - life taps you on the shoulder, first softly, then a bit harder, then, if you continue to refuse to listen, life punches you in the face. Life definitely punched Meghan in the face. She totally fell apart. I mean, totally. TOTALLY. The girl spent months on people’s couches, crying. And then, slowly, slowly, she started putting herself back together.A year and a half later, she’s happier than she’s ever been - and, yeah, she’s a better person for what she went through.That said, when I told her about you, we both looked at each other like, “oh fuck.” Because, as you probably suspect - and no one likes to acknowledge this - it’s going to fucking hurt like a bitch for a long time. That’s just the truth. When Jakob dumped me last December and proceeded to fuck another girl within weeks, I lost it. I was in more pain than I thought possible - I couldn’t eat, I could barely breathe. I was nauseous for weeks. And the thing that drove me crazier than anything? When people expected me to JUST GET OVER IT within a month. Well, I didn’t. In fact, I grieved for quite some time - on and off for months, actually. I shut down emotionally for even longer.You know what I wish people had said to me? It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being disappointed and disillusioned and angry and sad and forgive yourself for crying and for screaming and for hating him and forgive yourself for still loving him. Forgive yourself for hurting. You must forgive yourself, or you’ll never be able to move on.Know that you will move on. It will hurt, but it will get better. I promise it will get better. See, that’s the amazing thing about our hearts. They can be smashed, absolutely crushed, just decimated - and then, with the proper care, they DO heal. They’ll never be like they were - anyone over the age of 17 has scar tissue on their heart - but damnit if they don’t still work. You will love again, and this time it will be on your terms. And one day - after months of pain - you’ll wake up and realize, “HOLY SHIT … I’m happy.”Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, bunny.And keep in touch.Merry Christmas sweetie,j
———
As for me? I’ve woken up every morning for the last ten days and thought “Holy shit, I’m happy” - and yes, with absolutely no men in my life.
I’m so thankful for this little life I’ve created … it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/NB8YioMLihvf5jhl9FfSxiRYo1_400.jpg)
A year ago, I was sitting at this exact same seat (at the counter in my parents’ kitchen) playing Apologize over and over (uh, and not randomly. Listen to the lyrics). Despite insistences that I was “fine, no really I’m fine. I’M GREAT!”, the truth is, I wasn’t fine. I was far, far, far from fine.
What a difference a year - and two amazing women - makes. I thought about this when I received the following email from a distraught reader:
From: [redacted]
Date: December 17, 2008 7:38:17 AM EST
To: Julia Allison
Subject: on a bus from philly
I’m on a bus from Philly with about 30 minutes left on my stinky laptop and I do not have the slightest idea what to think or how to feel. I think this is what people call shock. It’s never happened to me so I do not recognize the symptoms. Oh, I’m the girl who emailed you about her and her boyfriend who lives in Philly and making it work with the economy and all. I do not know why I am telling you this but I just found out that he has been cheating on me since August. I am completely numb.
Perhaps I am sharing to let you know, which I am sure you know already, that men suck. I put everything into this relationship and now after 4 years of being together, I am alone. I thought we would end up together in some modern loft in the city while he went to med school and I in online media. I do not know if this is the worst part but she is ugly as sin. I am much prettier than her. He said it was because he was able to talk to her about sports and med school madness. But it has to be more than that. I just don’t get it.
I feel like someone has taken out my heart and twisted it into knots. Like someone took my future and ripped it out from underneath me.
Anytime I feel blue I read your blog. It makes me hopeful and gives me some serious LOL’s at the office. I know it sounds weird but I feel like you are the only blogger that’s human. Everyone writes in hopes of creating this online persona that fits their expectations. But your blog is real. There are sad, goofy, challenging and hilarious times on your blog and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate it.
Here’s what I wrote back to her:
From: Julia Allison
Date: December 20, 2008 10:35:28 PM EST
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: on a bus from philly
Oh, C, sweetheart … I read this email on Thursday, before I met Meghan out for her birthday, and when I got there, I told her about it. I don’t know if you know, but Meghan went through The Worst Breakup Ever last year - she walked in on the guy she was madly in love with fucking another woman. He’d been cheating on her for months, but she didn’t want to see the signs. I’ve seen this happen so many times - life taps you on the shoulder, first softly, then a bit harder, then, if you continue to refuse to listen, life punches you in the face. Life definitely punched Meghan in the face. She totally fell apart. I mean, totally. TOTALLY. The girl spent months on people’s couches, crying. And then, slowly, slowly, she started putting herself back together.
A year and a half later, she’s happier than she’s ever been - and, yeah, she’s a better person for what she went through.
That said, when I told her about you, we both looked at each other like, “oh fuck.” Because, as you probably suspect - and no one likes to acknowledge this - it’s going to fucking hurt like a bitch for a long time. That’s just the truth. When Jakob dumped me last December and proceeded to fuck another girl within weeks, I lost it. I was in more pain than I thought possible - I couldn’t eat, I could barely breathe. I was nauseous for weeks. And the thing that drove me crazier than anything? When people expected me to JUST GET OVER IT within a month. Well, I didn’t. In fact, I grieved for quite some time - on and off for months, actually. I shut down emotionally for even longer.
You know what I wish people had said to me? It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being disappointed and disillusioned and angry and sad and forgive yourself for crying and for screaming and for hating him and forgive yourself for still loving him. Forgive yourself for hurting. You must forgive yourself, or you’ll never be able to move on.
Know that you will move on. It will hurt, but it will get better. I promise it will get better. See, that’s the amazing thing about our hearts. They can be smashed, absolutely crushed, just decimated - and then, with the proper care, they DO heal. They’ll never be like they were - anyone over the age of 17 has scar tissue on their heart - but damnit if they don’t still work. You will love again, and this time it will be on your terms. And one day - after months of pain - you’ll wake up and realize, “HOLY SHIT … I’m happy.”
Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, bunny.
And keep in touch.
Merry Christmas sweetie,
j
———
As for me? I’ve woken up every morning for the last ten days and thought “Holy shit, I’m happy” - and yes, with absolutely no men in my life.
I’m so thankful for this little life I’ve created … it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
