Sometimes the heart doesn’t mourn the relationship you had so much as the life you thought you would have together in the future. You know?
Okay, I promised (myself) I wouldn’t post any more today, but I just got a reader email which wondered why I was so upset over the breakup of someone I had been seeing since early November, and I really want to write about this. So, since I know that if I don’t, I’ll just ruminate about it instead, I’m going to, and hopefully I’ll get it out of my system.
My initial reaction was twofold: part of me thought “Who are you to judge my feelings?” (and really, that’s a pretty good question - none of us have the right to say “You shouldn’t feel this way. You don’t have a right to be upset, etc.”). The other part of me wanted to tell her that I haven’t gone a single day since New Years without seeing or talking to this guy, that I had pretty much moved in with him, and that we had both met each others’ families, gone on several trips, he had become friends with all of my friends, I had met all of his, etc - in short, the relationship was far more serious at five months than any relationship I’ve had since Michael, over three years ago.
That said … I don’t really think that’s the main reason I feel it’s hitting me so hard. I think the primary reason is that we had talked about our future in such a serious manner that when we broke up, it wasn’t just the loss of the relationship I did have, it was the loss of the future I thought I would have. Does that make sense? He was one of the few men I’ve been with in my life where I actually allowed myself to think about a future beyond the next few weeks (the other three being Michael, Alex, and my ex-fiance Jon). That wasn’t the case with Toph or Ben or Charles or Jakob or Dave - or any of the men I’ve gone out with since I left Michael in early 2007. I never thought about spending my life with them.
Now, maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself - or rather, we (Prom King and I) shouldn’t have allowed ourselves to go down that road, talking about kids and getting a dog together and where we would live. But … you know … I was also ready for it. For the first time in my life, I was REALLY ready to have those discussions. Prior to that, I never felt like I was ready for marriage - even when Alex and I discussed it, or when Michael and I discussed it, I made it very clear that I wasn’t ready. And I hadn’t been ready at any other point in the last three years. But with Prom King … well, he was the first guy I’ve dated seriously that I really spent time thinking “What would it be like to spend my life with this guy, to raise children with him, to grow old with him, to have a family with him?” And I suppose that might be one of the reasons I’m taking this so hard.
So. There you go. What do you think?
