**Gentlemen, as far as you’re concerned I look flawless with nothing more than water and some floss. Now, go read something else.

As for the rest of you - the yous who have boobs & stuff - I keep getting emails from ya’ll asking me how my skin looks so good.

UM … MAKEUP!!??!!?

Oy. Ladies! This is what drives me nuts about those photos that supposedly “prove” that some star had plastic surgery. I look at them and think, “christ, the difference is a professional makeup application.” But I don’t necessarily think I would have known that three years ago, before I started having my face made-up regularly by professionals. In fact, if you look at older photos of me, which I refuse to show you, there’s a drastic difference. Anyway. Just goes to show, I might spend a fortune at Sephora, but … worth it, right?

That having been said, it’s always better to have a good canvas for the mountains of crap that I put on it. I’ve actually had trouble skin since I moved to New York. I don’t know if it’s the air or the food or what, exactly, but I break out constantly.

What HAS worked - when NOTHING ELSE DID - is this toner - Biologique Lotion P 50. It’s pricey - $75 for 8 oz. - but I swear to god, it fixes everything by evening out your skin’s ph. It was recommended to me by arguably the best facialist in New York, Vicki Morav, whom I can no longer afford ($400 per session, and she books four months in advance, no joke). If you have money you need to use up, call her (212-744-4753); she’s on the Upper East side. You will die of happiness, and your skin will never look better.

Of course, I also highly recommend Dr. Bobby if you need a dermatologist in New York. I was having especially terrible breakouts in September (due to a combination of going back on birth control, stress, and heavy tv makeup) and he got rid of them within a few weeks.

In addition, I’m a huge advocate of pooping. Yeah, I said it. I said “pooping.” I mean, not into a cup with another girl or anything.  Look, the fact is, if you don’t eliminate toxins through that … uh … hole … your body will try to get rid of them through your skin. Actually, your skin releases a large amount of toxins anyway (that’s why you feel better after you shower, especially if you scrub hard with a loofah - you’ve just cleared away gazillions of toxins, and freed up the passageways for more to be released). This is also why after you drink, you generally take on a robert deniro-esque appearance … too many toxins for your body to get rid of, so it dumps them through your skin.

Okay, so, beyond funneling your 401k into Starbucks, the way I recommend ensuring regular “elimination” (that’s what the serious experts call it) is taking this supplement: Nature’s Cleanse Multi-Herb, Multi-Fiber. You will thank me, I promise.

To be continued …