From: [redacted]
Date: August 22, 2009 5:05:01 PM EDT
To: Julia Allison <julia@nonsociety.com>
Subject: DON’T!
Hey Julia,
I don’t think it’s smart to post your measurements (including weight) on your lifecast. It could be insensitive to those struggling with these issues. Although you may not mean it, it can come across as though those numbers are important markers of being ‘pretty’, ‘successful’ etc. — you catch my drift! I see that you have struggled with bulimia; so, there could be many others too. Well, there are. Just a thought!
From: Julia Allison <julia@nonsociety.com>
Date: August 22, 2009 11:00:31 PM EDT
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: DON’T!
Hi L,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I absolutely hear what you’re saying, but it’s important for me to be accountable, and part of being accountable means sharing numbers that I wouldn’t ordinarily know, let alone broadcast!
It’s equally important for me to emphasize that this is NOT a struggle to lose weight for the sake of being “skinny” - I don’t feel “fat” … but I do feel out of shape.
With a few notable exceptions (college, cough cough), I’ve never been obsessed with the actual number on the scale, although I won’t lie, I certainly could tell you what my weight was, plus or minus a few pounds, at any given point in my life (108 soph year of hs, 116 when I graduated, 125-35 throughout my bulimic years in college, 140 in 2005 when Alex & I dined out constantly, 122 when Jakob dumped me in 2007, 127-30 through much of 2008, and finally 134-7 for most of 2009). Whew.
I’m pretty sure most women could do the same. ;) Is that disturbing? eh. I mean … I don’t really think so. Weight is just a characteristic, it isn’t WHO you are. (Obviously, right?)
So, given that, why is it even relevant to mention? I know some will disagree with me, but pounds, along with measurements and BMI, are a pretty good measuring tool, and I need a goal like that in order to motivate myself.
It also happens that the weight I was at about a year ago is ten pounds - exactly - less than I am now.
I am no longer bulimic - haven’t been since the beginning of my senior year in college - but I am suceptible to bingeing in stressful situations. I began putting on pounds in July during the insane Bravo pilot shoot, then added even more over Thanksgiving last year, and just … well … never stopped. I’ve plateaued at 136-8 for the past few months, but wasn’t able to budge the needle because … um … I didn’t do anything different.
I actually have very unusual eating habits - I tend to eat the same thing every day for 12-18 months, then switch. A few years ago it was beet juice & soy gouda sandwiches. Then it was tunafish sandwiches and a chocolate chip cookie. Then it was egg salad sandwiches and dates. Never, ever fast food, never meat and rarely, if ever, packaged, but still absolutely ridiculous, silly meal choices. I don’t know exactly why it is that I do this, except a force of habit, and perhaps a combination of laziness and “I want what I want!”
Lately - for the past two months or so - I’ve been eating much, much healthier, with salads and fish and practically no bingeing whatsoever. And despite what people might think, I rarely if ever binge on cupcakes, mainly because that requires actually going out and purchasing them to eat, by which time my self-control usually kicks in - and usually I binge late at night, so the cupcake shoppes are closed, anyway. My weaknesses are sugary cereals like granola (which is really like eating a bag of cookies - check the sugar content, seriously, I’m not exaggerating), when I’m staying up late at my parents’ house, carrot cake, cheese, brownies, whatever sugary concoctions at a party. Of course I don’t have those in my own apartment!! I purposely don’t keep any “trigger foods” here, not even in small amounts. I just can’t.
In any case, this fitness challenge is just for me. Not for a guy, not for a tv show, not even because some “mean people on the internet” called me fat. It’s actually not even to look better, although that will no doubt be a pleasant side effect.
I want to feel good, peaceful and healthy, and I’ve determined that the best way to jumpstart that is by doing this. I need to sleep more regularly, and - ironically - probably eat MORE, but better.
I hate diets and I refuse to starve myself. Even writing down what I eat is a huge shift for me. But I think by being conscious of my food intake, my sleep times and my workouts, I can actually - who knows?! - change some unhealthy habits I’ve had for the last year.
So wish me luck. If I don’t make the ten pound goal, quite frankly, I don’t really care. The whole point of this isn’t even really that, the number on the scale, the point is that I’m holding myself responsible for making progress towards my goal - which is, sorry, cheese alert - just feeling damn good.
Thank you for supporting me along the way … :)
xo
julia
