See the last line of this incisive (per usual) post by Angry: I needed to read this.  I have been both Predator … and Prey.  Most often Predator, frankly.  I finally recognized that pattern in the last few months, and I’m resolving to break it. I’ll do it, too. But I have a lot of work to do (in my head) first. - JA

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THE ANGRY THERAPIST

As I coach more and more people with their relationships, I see similar patterns.  Different people but the same dysfunction, caught in the same vicious cycle where they are powerless and sometimes even lose control of their lives.  One of the predominant patterns I see is this Predator / Prey thing I keep talking about.  

If you’re attracted to the “bad boy” - an addict or someone with addictive behavior, impulsive, manipulative, controlling, lacking boundaries, etc., you probably fall into the prey category.  If you struggle with addiction or addictive behavior and find yourself chasing for the sake of the chase, or not being able to control your desire to dominate / conquer, you may fall into the predator category.  These two are magnets.  Put them in a room and they will find each other by the end of the night. The attraction is instinctive.  It’s not a physical thing.  It’s a wiring thing. 

The predator and prey are wired this way, which I believe has to do with an abusive upbringing / not getting emotional needs met as a child.  As adults, we may find his dysfunction familiar, or his “attention” milk since we didn’t receive unconditional positive regard as a child, or maybe believe we don’t deserve better which would also be false beliefs formed from earlier times.  Or we may find her easy to control, something we don’t have in our lives or ourselves, or needing the knowledge that we could have her if we wanted to at anytime like a baby blanket.  

All of these involve taking from someone, instead of giving / sharing yourself with another person.  And that is the question you must ask yourself.  If you are taking, that’s not healthy love.  That’s feeding your dysfunction.  If you’re giving / sharing, that’s healthy love.  

Why is it so easy to see when it’s something as simple as money?  When someone is in a relationship strictly for financial gain, most know it’s not real love.  Well, taking from another to fill a part of you that is missing or defective is no different.  

People don’t get dogs if they don’t have time for them because they don’t want to be irresponsible owners.  If you’re not working on yourself while you’re in a relationship, wouldn’t that make you an irresponsible lover?  And working on yourself doesn’t have to mean seeing a therapist.  It can mean being open to and encouraging change, whatever that means for you.  It starts with being aware and taking ownership but I do believe there needs to be some kind of action involved.  

Rewire.

If I told you to start writing with your other hand, how difficult would that be?  It would be almost impossible or at least that’s how it would feel.  That’s what re-wiring is like. It’s changing the way you think, something you have been doing your entire life.  That’s why change is hard.  That’s why people keep falling back into the same patterns. Rewiring takes work.  Lots of work.

First,

1)  Sharpen your radar.  You have to be aware of your thoughts, be metacognitive.  Know your weaknesses.  Know who you are attracted to and why.  Question it.  Is it coming from a healthy place?  Are you taking or giving?  Imagine an elephant as your emotions and the rider on top as your logic.  Your emotions are much more powerful.  But you can learn to tame them.  It takes a lot of practice and a sharp radar - knowing someone is NOT good for you.  

2)  Change means breaking patterns.  Draw firm boundaries.  This means with Sharpie. Not chalk.  Steer the elephant so you don’t go down that familiar road because you know how it’s going to end.  Focus on what you want in a relationship and ask yourself if he / she is giving that to you.  This means behavior.  Are they telling you what you want to hear or actually loving you - action / behavior.   

3)  Know what’s at stake.  The quality of your life.

No child enters adulthood unscarred and they say you can throw a quarter and hit an addict.

REBLOG THIS if you know someone who needs to hear it.

Maybe it’s you.

- Angry