Hi there …

I’m, frankly, having an incredibly tough few days.  I’ve been battling the flu and a raging fever, and due to that, I had to cancel my trip home to Chicago to see my parents & Dan, who just got bad news.  Yeah, more bad news.  They found another malignant mass in his chest - which, if you’ve been counting along with us here - means they’ll have to subject him to chemotherapy for the third time.  It’s taking every ounce of self-control I have not to fill the rest of this post with expletives.

I’m actually surprised by the depth and force of my anger.  I’M SO ANGRY.  But when I’m not angry, I find myself sinking into a depression … and I’m not sure which is worse.

I actually hung up on my parents last night when they told me they didn’t think it would be smart for me to fly home given my current condition.  They were right, of course, but I didn’t want to hear it.  And I woke up this morning crying from a horrific nightmare.  I don’t know what’s come over me, or how to deal with it.  It has also occurred to me as I’ve struggled with my health for the nothing period of four days that I absolutely cannot understand how Dan has been as graceful and as kind as he has during his illness.  I turn into a bit of a monster when I’m sick, and not once have I seen Dan do that.

I feel so lost.