Quote of the Day

I’m not usually the “quote” type of person (I also don’t forward “hilarious” chain emails.  It is one of my best qualities), but I ran across this today while cleaning out my overstuffed Ideas folder … and I thought it was pretty dead on.  I’m not sure exactly why human beings expect to feel identically about their friends & lovers at every single moment, but perhaps the first step to combating this (and thus, the disappointment that arises when we’re surprised by the natural ups and downs of our emotions, and those of our companions) is to simply realize it and accept it, and see how we feel the next day.

“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment.  It is an impossibility.  It is even a lie to pretend to.  And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand.  We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships.  We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb.  We are afraid it will never return.  We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom.  The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even.  Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.  For relationships, too, must be like islands.  One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides.  Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency.”
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Getting over your ex ... or not.

The theme for this week’s Time Out column is exes (ooh! my favorite topic!), and getting over them. Or … not getting over them, as the case may be.

I’ve noticed with my own exes that my ability to get over them doesn’t seem to be proportionate with how long we dated, or even how much I loved them. It seems - at least on first analysis - to be related to how “resolved” or “unresolved” I feel about them. With some, I move on immediately. With others, I can’t stop thinking about them. For YEARS (sigh).

And yes, that makes me feel like a loser. (But as my friend Pickett says, “Who doesn’t have trouble getting over their exes, though? It’s just that no one talks about it.”)

Mary’s point of view is this: “I think it’s natural to always wonder ‘what if?’ For some people you think, hmm, a different time, a different place, if I was more mature, if he were more mature - would it have worked out?”

Of course, sometimes resolution can come if you just wait long enough. I had quite a bit of trouble getting over one particular college boyfriend, until two years later, I realized … I had.

But occasionally I still wonder: what if I NEVER get over the exes I can’t get out of my head? Are there people out there who still hold a torch for a former flame, even years later??

Why are some exes easier to get over than others?

When do you stop wondering what if? Should you force yourself to stop? CAN you force yourself to stop?? (um, helpful tips are welcome!)

Email me (julia@juliaallison.com) or reblog your thoughts!