A few thoughts.

(In response to this)

It’s not that I lack of enthusiasm or confidence - I really, REALLY don’t - and it’s not that I question whether I’m going to succeed at this or not (is there really another option??)  It’s that what I do comes with certain personal consequences, that, try as I might, I can’t seem to shake.  I’ve managed to minimize them, definitely, but at the cost of some of my candor.  You’ll notice I don’t speak of my dating life on this blog anymore, except in the most general of terms.  That’s not a coincidence, that’s a survival mechanism.

When I wrote honestly and openly last year, I was burned.  Badly.  And not just then.  The effects of my transparency in that relationship, and online in general, have had a half-life that’s significantly longer than I originally anticipated.

Breaking down the fourth wall was (unsurprisingly) very, very dangerous - but the rudest lesson I learned from the last two years is how much perception of trustworthiness trumps any sort of actual reality.

It really comes down to control - or lack thereof.  We control other people’s impressions of us by altering our countenances to the situation.  We’re not being “fake” if we act differently with different people - we’re being human.  The person we are with our parents is not the person we are with our girlfriends is not the person we are with a first date is not the person we are with our long-term boyfriend.  It’s all us, of course, but different facets of us.

The internet only allows us ONE persona.  Just one.  We have to choose.

The one I’ve chosen - or the one I wanted to choose - is the person I am with my girlfriends.

I try very, very hard not to think about my parents reading this.  I try not to think about future boyfriends reading.  I try not to think about bosses or colleagues or friends of my parents, because I would be paralyzed, and yes, a bit embarrassed.  Any memoirist I’ve ever met has said the same thing: they simply cannot write honestly if they focus on people’s reactions.

I don’t regret most of it.  I am a girl’s girl, and as any of my girlfriends will tell you, what makes me happiest in life - happier than ANYTHING ELSE - is conversation.

I wanted this site to be a conversation. I want this site to be a conversation!

But sometimes things happen in your life and you sort of want to crawl into a cave and take care of yourself until you feel like facing the world again.  A daily blog doesn’t really allow you to do that, which sometimes frustrates me.

So I’m sorry that my feelings go up and down a bit.  They’re dynamic; I’m human.  I’d rather express my highs & lows than present a united - but inauthentic - front to you.

Of course, I chose this path, and not unconsciously, although in my defense, I didn’t know how far-reaching and severe the personal consequences would be.  If someone had laid it down for me when I was 22-years-old and said, Sliding Doors style: “You will do this, and you will get this and this and this, but you’ll also have to give up this and this and this,” I have to be TOTALLY HONEST - I do not know if this is the exact route I would have taken.

That said, the choice I made when I was 22 is out of my hands now.  I can simply do the best with what I have.  There is no life - none - which comes without its confusions and problems to be solved.

And lest this sound much more morose than I had intended, I am blessed - very, very blessed - to be in a strange and exciting career, and to be in it with friends I respect and believe in and trust.  I’m very proud of what I’ve managed to cobble together with NO connections, NO money and NO job security.  I am, as a friend of mine said the other day, like a cockroach: able to survive on scraps and impossible to kill.  In this economy, that’s not such a bad thing to be.

“Life hands you whatever experiences you need for the evolution of your consciousness” - Eckhart Tolle

I’m sorry to all of the readers who’ve noticed I’ve been more guarded in the past few months.  You’re not imagining things: I have.  I’ve also been busier, and that has had an equally deleterious effect on the depth of the writing here as well.

But please know that this is a work in progress.  I’m trying - but I will make mistakes.  I’m a messy person - always have been, always will be.  I’m not naturally guarded at all, it’s just a self-protective impulse.  Just treat me the way you would a real friend - give me the benefit of the doubt.

And I’ll try to give it to you, too.