Dear David, You can't possibly move fast enough. Love, the women of New York & DC

Oh my god, what a nightmare this guy is! And no, his name does NOT get redacted. (Why the hell did he put it in the subject line? Hey genius! That’s why there’s a whole field called “FROM.”)

From: david alston [dalston42@hotmail.com]
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008
To: Julia Allison [julia@juliaallison.com]
Subject: SOME THINGS I ABSOLUTELY “HATE” ABOUT WOMEN! DAVID ALSTON

Julia,

Grew up in Jersey but lived in DC area for 16 years. Been all over the country. What have I found out in my 48 years about women? This:

1. They talk TOO DAMN MUCH! About nothing!!! Constantly on the phone talking about shit! Shut the hell up and read a goddamn book!

2. Everytime a woman says what she’s looking for in a man, this is one of the “have to haves”: He’s got to have a sense of humor. Well what about you?!!!!! I’ve met women who have NO PERSONALITY and they STILL expect that a man must have a great sense of humor! Oh, my God!!!(I’m tearing a phone book with my bare hands righrt now.)

3. Thinking the whole word revolves around their vaginas. Listen, sex is normal. Maybe they got here some other way, like by osmosis. And the women on the east coast REALLY take this to a whole ‘nother level. West coast women(I found) were WAY more interested in sex than east coast women. Must be the sun. Your vagina is NOT the Holy Grail!!! Get over yourself.

4. Shopping. Do I have to say anthing about this?!! And worrying about your looks CONSTANTLY. And the women in New York are just OBSESSED with their looks. And most of them don’t look that great anyway!!!

5. Unfit. Ever heard of a gym?!!!! Try one. It might help.

6. Not being well-rounded. Most women’s lives involve: gossipping, shopping, talking and worrying about their looks. Where are the really “deep” women?!!

I cannot wait to move out west in a few months. I used to think New York women were bad(they are) but I’ve lived in DC for 16 years. I nicknamed it the “Bermuda Triangle of Humanity.”

David Alston
Laurel, Maryland

Excuse me, sir, but I believe the “Bermuda Triangle of Humanity” exists between your ears and your mouth.

YUCK.